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| Little Tommy was the quietest boy in school. He never answered any questions but his homework was always quite excellent. If any one said anything to him he would simply nod, or shake his head. The staff thought he was shy and decided to do something to give him confidence. "Tommy," said his teacher. "I've just bet Miss Smith $5 I can get you to say three words. You can have half." Tommy looked at her pityingly and said, "You lose." |
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| Sphen and Rudy were playing pitch one night, and Sphen told Rudy that he was having an affair with his wife, but stressed that she is love with both of them, and does not know what to do. So as true gamblers would do, they decided to play a game of 10-point pitch, and the loser must promise never to sleep with her again. After the cards were delt, Rudy said,
"Let?s raise that stakes, let?s play for a dollar a point."
Scott, had a serious gambling problem, every time he came home his wife would ask him how much money he lost at the casino. Then one night, Scott never came home at all, and walked in the house at 9 AM, and his wife was glaring at him. Scott said "I have something to admit, I was at the bar last night, got drunk, and went home with the bar maid." The wife then replied "Don?t give me that bull, how much did you lose last night at the dice table?"
Buckshot was a compulsive gambler, and would bet on anything and everything; horses, dogs, football, baseball, basketball, snooker and even soccer games. When Buckshot was down to his last dollar, he went to his best friend and said "Roy, I need $1000, we have no food, I owe rent, the kids need jeans for school, and the wife won?t leave the house because we have bad checks at all the stores. Can you help me out?" So his best buddy gave him $2000 to get him ahead, but on one condition, that he does not use the money for gambling. Buckshot?s reply was
"Oh, I have money put away for that." |
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| A husband and wife were having dinner at a very Fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!" "Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress." The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce." "I understand," replies her husband, "But, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Infinity or Lexus in the garage, and no more Country Club, but the decision is yours." Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim? " she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is prettier," says the wife. |
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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and want to bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice.
And she adds, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she takes off everything but her necklace and rolls the dice while yelling, "Mama needs new clothes." Then she yells, "YES, YES, YES!! I WON, I WON, I WON."
She begins jumping up and down and hugging both of the dealers. Then she picks up her money and her clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?"
The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching." |
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A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 to do what I do for you for free!"
The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.
"I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1000 a year!" |
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Dear John, I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool - nobody can take your place. I love you. All my love, Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery. |
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A man walks into a butcher's shop and inquires of the butcher: "Are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says "Yes", so the man said: "I bet you L50 that you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there."
The butcher says "I'm not betting on that." "But I thought you were a gambling man" the man retorts.
"Yes I am" says the butcher "but the steaks are too high." |
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A hatchet-faced lady tapped the keeper of the monkey house indignantly on the shoulder. "Those wretched animals of yours appear to be engaged in shooting dice. I demand that you break up the game at once."
"Shucks," shrugged the keeper, "They're keeping strictly within the law, Ma'am. They're only playing for peanuts."
"William, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
"That's great, honey! Should I pack for the beach, the mountains, or what?"
"Who cares? Just get out." |
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A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 to do what I do for you for free!"
The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.
"I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1000 a year!" |
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A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG !
He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG !
So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.
The deep voice says: OPEN !
Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.
The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO !
Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino.
The deep voice says: ROULETTE !
So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief.
The deep voice says: 27 !
He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball.
.....
The ball stays at the 26.
The deep voice says: SHIT ! |
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